I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
