I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
