Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
