We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
