I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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