just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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