dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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