I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
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My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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