I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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