I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
