Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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