Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
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Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
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The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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