Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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