what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I touched a dick in church today
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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