I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
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I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
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I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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