Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
