We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
my liver is dry heaving
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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