if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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