it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
