I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
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