In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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