i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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