I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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