I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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