so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
