Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
