so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
