I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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