can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
