Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
