I'm really into asian looking animals
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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