Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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