I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
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So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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