if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
