Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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