He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Pants are for mortals
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
