Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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