I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
