Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
