i need an iv and a liver transplant
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
