i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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