cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
