i don't like sucking hair
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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