how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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