Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
