in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
