Grow some girl-balls and come out already
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
