I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
