i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
