I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
