I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Send help, water and tortillas.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I am one with the molecules
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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