Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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