You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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