My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
