The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
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