This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
