and she was petting her beer can
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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