Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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