non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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